my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
