She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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