good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
