When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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