I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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