Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
