This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
