you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
