I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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