how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
