I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
