White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
