i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
