Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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