i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Your penis caused this!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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