I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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