I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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