jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
