I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
