At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
