Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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