Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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