i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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