remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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