Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
