I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
