if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
