Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
