shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
