I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
