U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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