6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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