1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i now understand why vodka
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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