these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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