I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
