I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
