I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
