ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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