omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
