I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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