went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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