my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
