I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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