glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize