i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
