so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
