I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
