Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
