he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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