Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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