I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
