I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
