google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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