so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
