We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
