Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
