She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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